I’m back at it now that we’re parked at the event.
Okay so I also expressed my desire to drive instead of fly after quite a bit of drinking. This is a mistake as I find out from my research in my post on what the experts say about Sleeping on a problem v. Never going to bed angry …link here (Link to the Part 3 and 4 on sleeping on it or going to bed angry). I set my alarm for 7:30 AM, and accidently fell back asleep because well, COME ON, 7:30 AM! Oops. In my defense his grandfather gave me a 20-year-old rum before bed after a five-course dinner at a local restaurant that began at 7:30 and ended at midnight. I had an allergic reaction to something in the house (dust probably since its hundreds of years old) and the combination with alcohol and the allergy meds knocked me out like Rocky punched me in the face. So there were a number of factors besides just being exhausted that led to my snooze-reflex that was as automatic in my sleepy state without hesitation as breathing.
I want to be clear and fair about things. We should have better communicated before going on this trip and properly set expectations. I was really busy working and do not think I was really listening when John was telling me what the trip entailed and I also do not think I considered the length of time I was leaving nor did I look at the estimated weather reports that are much warmer than typical French summer temperatures (and my lack of knowledge that no one has air conditioning would have been very important in packing…)
When he invited me to go to France for 17 days I thought it was so that we could visit wedding venues to get married in near Paris, where he grew up and his family lives. What girl wouldn’t want to get married in Paris? (Admittedly, I’m not super enthused about it but he said he’d pay for a wedding planner so I guess that makes my life a heck of a lot easier).
Our trip, from my understanding, was not so that we could go to 4 different horse competitions, fly his plane over wedding venues that we would never visit and frankly, didn’t even know the availability of for the next 2-3 years. Had I known that I would be basically removed from civilization and with his family round the clock, it definitely would not have been a trip I would have agreed to if I had known the conditions I would be placed in – a stick shift car I can’t drive aka no escape to get anything to eat or drink at the store, Wi-Fi going in and out, no air conditioning in 95 degree weather for 10 days in a row, having to eat whatever is presented without having a choice because it is not only expected that I join the family at dinner twice a day, if you do not eat then, you do not eat at all. I guess it might be obvious I am still a little angry even after discussing flying versus driving last night. Ladies, remember that scene from Beauty and the Beast where Beast essentially says if you don’t with me you don’t eat at all, go ahead and STAAARRRRRVVVVEEE. Yes, it was kind of like that. Random poll: how many people want to eat cow tongue, snails, sardines, and the occasional plain white rice or plain noodles without olive oil or salt or cheese or anything on them – RAISE YOUR HAND?!
And this was me sneaking out in the middle of the night to find things I could eat…
I guess what I’m saying is that this whole trip has pretty much been about John having his comfortable things around him – his horse, his car, his family, his childhood vacation home, his language, his food, his plane, his country, his agenda. And me? Well, I just keep telling myself, “When in Rome?” And thinking about my life like this…(PIZZA OH I MISS YOU)…
All in all, I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I have a lot on my mind. The work I have not been able to do because I do not have Wi-Fi or cell phone reception. My life in the United States is being patched together by family members doing me favors and old friends as well. Even an ex-boyfriend is working with the person watching my apartment for me because of the unpredictable access to the outside world on any given day. Certainly I’m not a prisoner and the place is beautiful. The food could be worse, I think. John has done a lot to be supportive. But why am I now facing an angry driver next to me because of a suggestion that we should drive and not fly that I made last night? Should I just smile and say “Yes” to everything?
Okay so now that you have all the details, did we make the right decision to discuss it last night? Should I have just gone with what he wanted to avoid a conflict because he had stress of the competition today? Was I selfish? Was I doing something wrong by expressing my own logic and now I deserve the silent treatment and realize talking last night did not actually resolve the issue? And we had to discuss it last night because the event is today…so last night— should we have stayed up and talked about the logistics of the trip? Should John be harvesting negative emotions toward me as he drives 170 km/h on the highway to make up for the fact that he overslept and too a 20-minute shower this morning and didn’t prepare in advance last night for a change of clothes and his horse-riding gear? Should we be driving next to each other in silence? I’ve heard so many different pieces of advice– “Never go to bed angry…” or “Sleep on it,” to allow your emotions to cool down. We are about to arrive to his race, so stay tuned for my next post on what the research and experts say on pre-sleep conversations and the best way to not lose sleep over something that communication may/may not fix…or if it might just be inevitable that even if you can sleep soundly (not thinking “it” is a big deal) …how to avoid the implications the next day. See my next post and what the experts say here:
Over and out for now…
Insert closing image of French guard from The Holy Grail